Today on lunch I went and got a coffee with one of my favourite people. We talk often and generally share what’s going on in our lives and give our take on things. She’s a beautiful person inside and out and I’m very lucky to have her as a friend. She knows my situation in full and is always very honest and tells me how she sees things, I do the same in return. Our lives are very different and we’ve been through different hardships, neither one really being able to fully understand what the other has been through, but I get a lot from our chats.
I told her today that there are times when I feel as though I’m damaged goods, but if asked why, I couldn’t really pinpoint one specific reason for feeling that way. Do I think that’s how others see me? Do I think that anybody willing to get to know me more would think I’m damaged after talking to me for a bit? Or is it just that I feel that way because of everything the last two years has thrown at me, could I be anything other than damaged after everything?
I’m sitting and writing this from a coffee shop before I head off to the gym to make the most of my last child free night of the week, and I’ve asked myself a couple of times now am I actually damaged goods? Actually I don’t think I am. I think I’m just one of the millions of people out there having a hard time and not really knowing how to process it. My mind is slightly foggy most of the time, I’m trying to see through the fog to look at how things may be on the other side and it’s hard right now. I do think that fog will lift in time and the sooner I stop worrying about things the better. I worry a lot! I worry about how long I’ll be alone. I worry about how my kids will grow up, what they’ll be like with me as the person doing most of the parenting. I worry about finances. I think I’m going to try and worry less, and just take each day as it comes and always try and do the best I can, and do the right things for the kids. I may get it wrong at times, but who doesn’t? People are under a lot of pressure from life in general, then add kids into the mix and it’s a whole other thing! All we can do is our best though, and I’m happy that is exactly what I’m doing everyday…I just need to keep reminding myself of that and chats like the ones I have with this particular friend go a long way to helping me do this.
Right, I’m off to sweat.